Less
by Attenia
Summary: Growing up in Imladris, Aragorn always feels like he's less than the elves around him - not as strong, fast, agile, or as good as them in any way. He accidentally discovers a method of coping that could cause more harm than good. Elrond calls Aragorn's best friend in to help, but whether Legolas will be able to do so is uncertain. OOC Aragorn. Warnings: self-harm, panic attacks.


**Chapter 1**

_Estel_

Estel sighed as his brothers leapt into the trees and followed at a slower pace. Always, a slower pace. If he wasn't slower, then he was weaker, clumsier, or something else. No matter how hard he tried, he could never be as good as the elves he was surrounded by.

"Estel? You ok?" Elladan popped his head down, holding out a hand.

Refusing the hand, Estel scrambled up into the branches. "I'm fine," he lied.

He managed to forget his troubles in a fun afternoon with the twins. They never made him feel less for being different, and he loved spending time with them. It was when his own thoughts were allowed free rein that he got into trouble.

Elrond was eyeing him worriedly at dinner, as he had been for several months. Estel may be able to fool his brothers, but not his father. Ada saw everything.

Trying to escape his gaze, Estel got up and turned to the small platform behind the main table, picking up a pot of fried vegetables. Lost in his sadness, he forgot to use a cloth, but didn't notice for several seconds as he carried the pot to the table.

The heat suddenly made its way through to his brain, and he yelped, dropping the pot.

The twins and Ada were there at once, Elladan picking up the broken dish while Elrohir dumped the vegetables onto a spare plate. Elrond tenderly lifted his hands, examining the bright red flesh.

"What happened, ion nin?" he asked gently.

"Burned," Estel muttered, knowing that Elrond knew very well how to recognize a burn. His Ada was wasn't asking what the injury was, he was asking why it had happened. Estel knew to use a cloth to carry hot things. Just another way he was inferior to everyone around him. They could handle the heat; he could not.

Surprisingly, the thought didn't bother him. In fact, Estel found himself grinning. He felt cheerful for the first time in… well, he couldn't remember how long. "It's nothing, Ada."

Elrond frowned, but didn't press further. "Come, we need to get a healing paste on these."

The paste did help with the stinging, and Estel didn't even care that he could barely use his hands. He felt almost giddy. He didn't know why being burned would make him feel this way – in fact, it should do exactly the opposite – but he was too relieved to care. The mantle of crushing melancholy and the feeling of ineptitude had been lifted, and he was glad.

Unfortunately, it didn't last. Three days later, he was back to feeling like he had before, only it was worse now, because he remembered what it was like to be happy. This time, though, Estel wasn't helpless against it. Being burned had helped once, right? Maybe it would help again. He was willing to try anything at this point.

With no hot bowls available, he lit a candle, and held his arm close, nervous. Come on, you can do this. Taking a deep breath, Estel thrust his arm into the flame. The pain shot through him and he only just managed to hold back a cry, jerking his arm back. He hadn't held it there long enough to get badly burned, but there was still a bright red mark that was already starting to blister.

He felt like his grin might split his face. He didn't care anymore that it was bizarre; all he cared about was that burning himself made him feel better.

At first, it was once or twice a week, but he found he needed it more and more often. Estel started burning his legs, since his arms were too hard to hide from his family. Of course, he should have known they'd find out eventually.

Their concerned queries had gotten more over the past few weeks, despite his improved mood.

It was when his brothers took him hunting that it happened. Estel missed his shot – just another piece of evidence in the growing pool of proof that he was utterly useless – and the stag went stumbling around in agony before Elladan could kill it.

While Elladan was running around to get at the stag's unprotected side, its horn speared Estel in the thigh. Elrohir was there at once, taking a firm hold on the horn and preventing the injury from getting worse, but the damage was done.

Surprisingly, Estel didn't mind. In fact, he suddenly felt light and happy. Maybe it wasn't only burning that did this to him? Perhaps it was any injury.

He lost track of things for a moment, and the next thing he knew, Elrohir was untying his pants. He yelped and jerked away.

"Estel, be still, that wound needs to be stitched."

Joy vanished at once, to be replaced with panic. His legs were full of burns; he couldn't let his brothers see.

"No, it's fine." He hastily tore a strip off the bottom of his cloak and tied it tightly around the wound, hoping it would satisfy them. "There, see, that's fine. The bleeding will stop in no time."

Elladan rolled his eyes. "Alright, if you'd rather have Ada see to it, we'd better get back."

That wasn't what he wanted at all – that was even worse!

"Hey, Estel, what's wrong? Slow your breathing down, munidor." Elrohir's face wavered before him. Estel couldn't seem to catch his breath.

Hands were pushing him into a seated position and getting his head between his knees.

"He's having a panic attack," Elladan murmured. "Probably from the shock. He's never been injured like this before. Estel? Listen to me, you're alright, we're here with you. Just try to breathe slowly for me. In and out, alright?"

Someone was shaking his shoulders, and Estel did his best to pay attention. "Slow," Elrohir coached him. "In and out, that's right, follow my breathing."

As he did, the twins' worried faces gradually came into focus. Estel averted his eyes, ashamed. He couldn't even control his own fear enough to stop himself completely breaking down. How could he ever hope to be as good as an elf? It was a hopeless task.

"Come on," Elladan said quietly, lifting him up. "We're going home."

Estel protested being carried, but it was an argument he swiftly lost. When Elrond saw them, he came running down, pulling his youngest son out of Elladan's arms. "What happened?" he demanded.

Estel groaned. He was just making things worse. Now they'd want to know what made him panic along with everything else they were going to see.

"He was gored by a stag and wouldn't let us treat it, then he started having a panic attack," Elrohir said softly, his hand clasped on Estel's arm.

Elrond pulled the human's face to his shoulder. "It's alright ion nin, I am here now."

Breathing deeply, Estel allowed himself to soak up his Ada's comfort. He was too old, really, to be getting hugs from Ada when he was hurt, but it felt good, and he sorely needed the reassurance. Far too soon, they were in the healing halls, and Elrond was trying to take off his pants.

"No, Ada! Leave it."

"It is better if I take them off, ion nin. You might hurt yourself."

"My leg is fine, it doesn't need to be looked at!"

Elrond exchanged a concerned glance with the twins. Elves weren't modest about their bodies, and Estel had picked that up from them. He'd never protested to being exposed in front of his family before.

"I'm sorry, ion nin, but they have to come off. If it makes you more comfortable, the twins can leave."

He suddenly felt guilty at the twins' hurt expressions, and shook his head. "No, Ada… please…"

Elrond would not be persuaded, however. Very gently, he pulled Estel's pants off. Estel squeezed his eyes shut, dreading their reaction. He heard both of the twins gasp, and Elrond's hands grasped his ankles tightly for a moment. The human was grateful when the elf lord pulled a blanket over his legs.

"Estel?"

He kept his eyes squeezed shut, half hoping that if he did, everyone around him would disappear.

"Estel, look at me." Elrond's hand was under his chin, and the human reluctantly opened his eyes. His father's face was full of concern and sympathy. "What happened to you?"

"I – I was gored by a stag."

"I mean the burns, ion nin. Did someone do this to you?"

At these words, the twins' hands both flew to their daggers. Estel squeezed his eyes shut again. He had to tell them. If he didn't, the twins would question everyone in Imladris until they found the culprit, and their questioning wouldn't be kind, to say the least.

He couldn't say it while looking at them. His gaze went to his covered knees. "I… I did it."

He peeked up, to see Elrond looking entirely unsurprised. He'd known, even before Estel told him.

"Why, ion nin?"

"I –" He was mortified when tears started leaking out of his eyes. "I'm sorry, Ada."

The next thing he knew, the dam broke, and he was weeping freely and being embraced by his Ada and the twins, who were all murmuring comforting things to him, their soothing voices overlapping.

"I – I'm just so sick of never being as good as anyone around me," he cried.

"Estel, Estel, why would you even think that?"

"Don't pretend, Ada, it's not like it's not obvious." He sniffed, keeping his face hidden in Elrond's chest as he spoke. "Everyone is faster, stronger, smarter, more agile than me… I hate it. I hate myself."

Elrond's arms tightened around him, but he didn't interrupt, letting Estel speak.

"I discovered it by accident… but burning myself helps. When I do it, I'm not so sad anymore. It doesn't bother me that I'm less than everyone else."

He fell silent, trembling. Now, they would see just how inferior he was. They would be truly ashamed, even more so than they had to have been before.

As he expected, Elrond pulled away. Estel tensed, waiting for the inevitable rejection. Instead of releasing him, Ada simply held him at arm's length. "Listen to me, ion nin. You are not less than anyone. Saes, never think that. You are human, which makes you different to an elf, but never less."

"If I'm not less, then why is everyone better than me?"

"We are not," Elladan said firmly. "We may be more skilled than you in some things, thanks to centuries of practice, but we are not above you, munidor, not in any way."

"That's not true," Estel argued. "You're faster… stronger… you never get sick…"

Elrond sighed deeply. "Listen to me, Estel. Do you remember that fawn you found in the forest, when you were eight?"

It had been five years ago, but he still remembered. "Yes."

"Its mother had been killed by predators. It was too little to survive on its own. You remember caring for it until it could be released into the wild?"

"Yes…"

"Now think about the wolf that killed the fawn's mother. It was faster, stronger, more cunning. Did you think the fawn any less than it? Any less valuable or worthy of love?"

"No, but it was only a baby. Babies are always weak."

"Had it been an adult deer, would you have acted differently?"

He wouldn't have, Estel realized. "I still would have saved it."

"And you still would have loved it, yes?"

"Yes," he admitted.

"You see?" Elrond said tenderly. "Just as a deer is no less than a wolf, a human is no less than an elf. All are valuable and worthy of love. Do you understand?"

Estel did understand, but his heart was telling him differently. "I still feel… not good enough."

Elrond pulled him close, embracing him tightly. "Then we will just have to keep telling you how much we love you. Estel, when you next want to hurt yourself, I want you to come to me, alright?"

"Alright," he agreed.

Elladan ruffled his hair. "Or one of us, Estel. Elrohir and I will be here for you as well. We'll help you through this, munidor, don't worry."

Estel tried, he really did. The very next day found him knocking on Elrond's study door, his eyes on his shoes.

"Come in, Estel."

Instead of sitting across the desk, Elrond led him to a couch and sat down next to him. "You're here because you want to burn yourself, aren't you?"

Squeezing his eyes shut, Estel nodded.

Without another word, Elrond pulled him into a hug. "It's alright, ion nin. You do not need to be ashamed. I understand why you've been doing it. You were coping the only way you knew how. I am here to help you find another way, though. Tell me what you are thinking?"

They ended up talking for hours, and by the time he returned to his rooms, Estel felt marginally better. It wasn't the same as the high he got from burning, but it was enough… for a few hours. Later that night, he was back to where he'd started, and there was no way he was going to wake his Ada up, not after having monopolized so much of his time already today.

Estel lit a candle and held it to his leg, smiling as the pain washed through him, washing out the sadness.

Of course, Ada found out. He seemed to know, just by looking at him, and took Estel through to the healing wards. Estel expected a reprimand, but Elrond quietly treated the burn, repeating his instruction to come to him – at any time of the day or night – if he felt he needed to do it again.

It was a good theory, but it didn't work. No matter how often he went to his brothers and Ada, Estel still wanted to burn himself. They managed to make him feel better while he was with them, to some extent, but they could never truly lift the horrifying mantle of being less, not like burning could.

Soon, they didn't trust him with candles or lamps, and Estel had to find other ways. He discovered that making shallow cuts along his stomach was just as good as burning, maybe even better. His family was horrified when they found out, but they couldn't stop him, not when he was determined, no matter how hard they tried.

They made an effort to be with him as often as they could, but they all had duties in Imladris, and Estel didn't feel comfortable with anyone else other than Glorfindel, who also had duties. When Elrond tried to get one of the other healers to watch him, it hadn't gone well. Estel had escaped and refused to speak to his Ada for days. Eventually, they seemed to resign themselves to the fact that they couldn't watch him every second.

Estel hated the looks of worry in their eyes when they looked at him, but his guilt wasn't enough to convince him to stop. He wondered if he even could stop.

**Chapter 2**

_Legolas_

Legolas clutched the letter as he rode into Imladris. He'd read it so many times by now that he knew it off by heart.

_Legolas_

_I ask that you come to Imladris at once. Estel is struggling and needs help, but he won't listen to me or his brothers. You are his best friend; I'm hoping you can get through to him. Please hurry._

_Elrond_

Legolas had set off at once, his mind filled with worry. It had been a year since he'd been to visit Estel, and he cursed himself for letting so much time pass. Elladan was waiting for him as he came to a halt in the courtyard.

"Elladan! How are you? Where's Elrohir?" He'd hardly ever seen one twin without the other. It was disconcerting sight.

Elladan's wide smile faded slightly. "He's with Estel."

Legolas left his horse to one of the stable hands and started walking quickly beside his friend. "What's wrong with Estel? Lord Elrond's letter didn't say."

"He…" Elladan's gait faltered, and Legolas was shocked when his friend stumbled to a halt, tears pouring down his face. "He's hurting himself, mellon nin. We can't stop him, we've tried. None of us know what to do. Ada is going mad with worry, and Elrohir and I aren't far behind…"

Legolas pulled his friend into a hug, supporting Elladan's weight as the elf's legs gave way and he cried into the prince's shoulder. "What do you mean, hurting himself?"

"He started by burning himself with a candle, but when we took away all hot things, he began cutting himself. We tried, but Estel can always find something sharp. If nothing else, he breaks the glass in a window. It's getting deeper and deeper all the time…"

Legolas' legs were trembling violently, and he quickly guided the two of them to a bench. "Why?" he breathed. "Why would he do that to himself?"

"Because of us!" Elladan cried angrily. "Because he feels that he is less than us, than elves, and it's tearing him apart. Ada's even considered sending him to live with a human family… but none of our hearts could survive that, Estel's included."

Legolas clutched Elladan's shoulders, trying to control his panic. "What does Elrond expect me to do that he can't? I've never even heard of this before, I don't know how to help him!"

"You're his best friend. He connects with you in a way he doesn't with any of us. Maybe you can get through to him. If not… I don't know. We're grasping at straws here."

"Take me to him. If nothing else, I can watch him. I don't have any duties here. He will not be harming himself again, not if I have anything to say about it."

Some of the tension in Elladan's body eased at these words. "Thank you, mellon nin. We knew we could count on you. Come, he is in his room."

Estel looked terrible – pale, thin, and just downright miserable. Still, he broke into a grin when the prince entered.

"Legolas! I didn't know you were coming."

"I didn't realize your Ada didn't tell you. How are you, Estel?" Elrohir and Elladan quietly exited while Estel seemed to hesitate. "I'm fine."

Legolas sighed. "I don't believe that for a second, mellon nin. Show me your injuries."

Estel flinched. "I'm not injured."

"Estel, it is me. You can trust me, you know that."

The human sighed heavily. "I suppose they told you everything?"

"They did. Your family is very worried about you, as am I."

"You don't need to be! I'm fine, really, just because I have a rather strange hobby…"

"It is no hobby, Estel," Legolas said sharply.

The human shrugged, and Legolas gestured to his shirt. "Come on, I want to see it."

Grumbling under his breath, Estel undressed. Legolas couldn't hold back a gasp at what he saw. On Estel's legs were a number of healing burns. Worse, on his stomach were dozens of cuts that looked far more recent, and seemed to have gotten deeper and deeper with time. Legolas fought back tears at the state of his friend.

"Oh mellon nin, what have you done to yourself?"

He helped Estel dress and lay down facing him. "Talk to me, mellon nin. Why have you done this?"

Perhaps Estel had meant to answer, but whatever he'd been trying to say came out garbled as his face scrunched in misery and tears started falling thick and fast down his face.

"Come here," Legolas murmured, pulling the human close. Estel shook and clung to his tunic as he wept. Despite the human's protests that he was fine, he clearly was anything but. Legolas didn't try to hush his friend, but simply held him. Estel was too young to have to go through this kind of pain, and he wished he could do something to take it away.

"Tell me," Legolas urged.

"I'm – j-just s-so – s-sick of b-being – less," Estel cried. "All I – w-want is t-to – to b-be an equal – b-but I – n-never will b-be…"

"That's not true," Legolas said fiercely, but Estel only cried harder.

"That's w-what – everyone s-says, b-but you – d-don't understand w-what it's – what it's l-like to be l-less than – w-what's expected – of y-you all the – the t-time."

"I do know," Legolas said softly. "Listen to me, Estel. Do you know what it was like growing up with my father? He loves me, but he was hard on me, and it took him years to realize that he was pushing so hard he was hurting. He has more expectations for a prince of Greenwood than you can possibly fathom. I spent the first several decades of my life believing I'd never, ever be good enough."

Estel's weeping slowed as he looked up at his friend. "How did you handle it?"

"I didn't. I became very ill; I was fading. Ada called in Elrond and Mithrandir, and they eventually figured out the problem. Things have been better since then, but I still have to work sometimes to tell myself that I'm not any less than I should be."

"But you did it!" Estel protested. "You've become a great warrior, a leader, everything your father could have wanted. I'll never be an elf."

"Estel, you know that your family does not want you to be an elf. The love you as you are, and so do I. And no, I am not everything my father wanted for me. I am not even everything I want for me, not yet, but those things I've decided to change, I'm working on."

"Can… can you help me change?"

The tears had stopped now, and Estel was staring at him intently.

"Of course, mellon nin. What is it you want to change?"

"I want to be able to climb and run fast like my brothers. To fight well like Glorfindel. To be a healer like Ada."

"Those are some pretty hefty goals, Estel, and many of them will be a lifetime's work. You'll need to work hard and be patient. Now, let me give you some advice. You're human, which gives you certain disadvantages, but it also gives you advantages. Humans are built a lot more solidly than elves. It hasn't been apparent yet, because you are still young, but once you build up a fair amount of muscle, you can easily be stronger than any of us.

"That is your edge in things like running and climbing. Strength will give you better endurance in long runs, and let you pull yourself up more surely when climbing. The same with fighting. Elves might be faster than you, but you can land more powerful blows, if you practice enough. As for healing, your mind is as sharp as any elf's I've met. If Elrond is willing to teach you – and I'm sure he will be – then I'm certain you'll soon be a fine healer."

Estel was smiling again, and this time, it looked sincere. "You really think I can do all that?"

"In time, yes, and I believe you will. But you will not do it by injuring yourself and setting your body back. I will train you, Estel, but in return, you have to stop hurting yourself."

Estel bit his lip, suddenly very interested in the pillow. "I'm… I'm not sure I can," he admitted. "I need it."

"I'm sorry, mellon nin, but this is not negotiable. Unlike everyone else here, I have no duties in Imladris. I won't be letting you out of my sight until I'm sure you're not going to do anything like that."

Estel's face was a mix of emotions – everything from anger to fear to relief. "You'll get sick of me," he mumbled. "I'm just a human, after all."

"This human happens to be my best friend, and I don't see myself getting sick of him any time soon. Now come, there are still a few hours of light. You and I will go for a run, and after that, we will lift some weights."

By the end of the day, Estel was near collapse, and made it to his chambers only out of sheer stubbornness. Still, he was smiling, and that was worth the world to Legolas.

He wouldn't even let Estel use the bathroom alone, and it was a good call, because the human had a small blade behind the mirror. He tried to use it with his back turned to the prince, but Legolas was too quick for him.

He had the blade out of the human's hand in an instant. "No, Estel," he said sadly. "You can't do this anymore."

"Please, Legolas. I need it."

"Why do you need it, mellon nin?"

"I have to feel that rush again. It's like I'm dead without it."

"Tomorrow, I will show you what the twins and I do when we want a rush," Legolas promised. "For tonight, you need to eat and rest."

Estel nodded, his shoulders now slumped, his head hanging.

"Hey, cheer up, Estel, you did really well today. You'll be outrunning me in no time."

That got a small grin from him. By the end of dinner, Legolas half-expected Elrond and the twins to kiss him. It was clear that Estel was feeling a lot better, and the adoring looks of his family would have been hilarious had the subject not been so serious.

Estel tried to sneak off twice in the night, no doubt to find more hidden blades, but fortunately, Legolas was a light sleeper and caught him both times. He spent the early hours of the morning holding Estel as the human cried in utter defeat and misery.

When the sun finally rose, Estel's eyes were read and puffy. Legolas pretended not to notice, and after breakfast, he turned to his young friend. "Now, for that rush. You know the river that runs crossways to the one guarding Imladris?"

"Yes, it's several miles out, right?"

"Correct. We're going there, and then I'll show you how to really have a good time."

"I'll get the horses."

"Oh no you don't. You're still training, remember? We're not going to ride. We're going to run."

Estel groaned, but Legolas showed him no mercy. He knew that Estel's family had been tiptoeing around him these past few months, and the human must be thoroughly sick of it. Legolas remembered how wearying it had been having everyone treat him like he was made of glass when he'd been recovering from his near fading.

"Come on, you'll thank me for this one day, Estel," he said happily, tugging him along.

"Now? It's the crack of dawn, Legolas."

"Best to get a good start." Legolas smiled cheerily at his friend, ignoring the indignant mutterings.

Estel did well to keep up the pace Legolas set, even if it did mean he had to goad his friend a little, threatening to carry him if he didn't keep up. When they finally reached the waterfall, Estel flopped down on the ground, panting. "Just how long is this getting stronger thing going to take?"

"Oh, only a couple of decades or so."

Estel groaned. Legolas laughed. Estel might be complaining, but the deep lines of misery on his face were easing, and his smiles seemed more sincere each time.

"Now for that rush. Come, up with you. We're going to practice your climbing."

Estel only fell twice as they scaled the wet rock that the waterfall was cascading over. Both times, he fell safely into the water below, coming up spluttering and cursing. When they finally reached the top, Legolas grinned at his friend. "Follow my lead."

Without waiting for an argument, he leapt off the waterfall top. His heart soared as he flew through the air, landing with a huge splash in the river many feet below.

He came up in time to see Estel jumping, and watched carefully until the human came up. He swam closer in case Estel needed help, but Legolas needn't have worried. "That was – that was amazing! Let's do it again." Estel made for the bank, planning to walk up the path to the top, but Legolas grabbed his arm.

"We can do it again, Estel, but only if you climb to the top again."

They spent the entire day at the waterfall. On the way home, Estel really did need to be carried, but he was too tired to protest, drifting off in Legolas' arms.

The prince smiled fondly down at his friend. Estel was far from better, but it was a start. Now that he knew how to help the human, he could tell Elrond and the twins, who would gladly participate in his training.

Legolas woke Estel to take a hot bath, worried the human would catch a chill. He forced some food into his sleepy friend before finally tucking him into bed. Estel's eyes opened blearily and he peered at the elf in front of him.

"I don't want to cut or burn," he murmured wonderingly. "For the first time in… I don't know."

Legolas could have whooped for joy. He pressed a kiss to Estel's forehead. "Good. Tomorrow, we train again, and the next day, the twins and I will show you some more of the things we do for the rush."

"I'd like that," Estel mumbled sleepily.

Legolas knew he didn't have much time before the human was asleep once more. "Never believe that you are less, mellon nin," he said softly. "You are different, but never less. Remember that. Promise me you will."

"I promise." Estel yawned and rested his head on Legolas' shoulder. In mere moments, he was asleep. Legolas fell asleep with Estel sprawled over him, and he wouldn't care the next day when he woke up with no feeling in his arm, nor when – months later – his father sent enraged summons, demanding his son come home, summons that were summarily ignored, at least for the time being.

All he cared about was that Estel was well. With Legolas' help, along with his family's, the prince felt confident that eventually, his friend would be.


End file.
